Intuition

Okay I think I'm ready to talk about it. This is probably a really bad idea, considering I'm slightly riled up, but heeeere goes.

Above all, I trust my intuition more than anything. That voice inside my head always points me in the right direction, or at least the direction that feels right. I've put these past couple days/weeks up for evaluation. I didn't even bother to weigh out the pros and cons beforehand; there are a number of potential risks involved (those of which I will not discuss right now).

Now I almost feel like I'm living in fear, for multiple reasons. Where is all this going? To an extent, it's okay to not know. But realistically speaking, how much am I willing to invest to find out? My intuition tells me that I can't give my all anymore; I simply cannot put in 110% just to get hit blindsided with heartbreak again. Reflecting back on last time it happened instills skepticism in me. I remember how it just felt so unfair, and how it ruined my frame of mind; I practically had to sketch out a brand new game plan. Then to just revert back to "the way things used to be".... it's hard. I can't pretend like last month's misery didn't happen.. I actually still feel residual pain from it. I used to be willing to do whatever it took for everything to work out... and I always felt like it was worth the struggle.. but I'm starting to feel like a battered fighter..

to be continued! Oh the suspense.

A day in the life

Time to write a more "normal" entry. I guess everyone's definition of normal varies, but either way -- I'll definitely spare you the emotional outbursts ;)

I've been in denial for months, but I think I'm finally coming to accept the fact that my cartilage piercing is infected. It hurts like hell to sleep on my right side, and it's painful even when my shirt brushes against it as I'm changing my clothes. Totally sucks because I have such cute earrings for it :( Oh I hate when vanity issues cloud up my mind. Speaking of which, this whole dieting ordeal is getting plaaayed out. I'm done with it... for now; only because I'm on winterbreak and I feel like I deserve to indulge. But yes, I'll admit, it has been quite flattering hearing all the "skinny" comments. I'm really not all that thin, but I used to be prettttty chubby, so I appear thinner in comparison. Anyhow, I'll spend next semester back on the weight loss train. For the time being, I'll take comfort in knowing that it will take A LOT of eating to return to the point where I was before.

Mini-reunions are drawing near. This is going to sound really lame but there's excitement in every bone in my body :) I know that people change, but I hope not too much time has elapsed that they've changed drastically.. because I loved who they were & I hope I still love who they are. Although I'm pretty flexible and compatible with most anyone, now that I think about it.. from a friendship standpoint of course. Hope everything goes well. I'm about 95% sure it will.

Today I engaged in some really good conversation with the girls. I don't know why the future is always at the top of my list of conversation topics. I'm not a fan of mysteries, but I actually love the fact that I don't know where I'm going to live.. where I'm going to work... how many kids I'm going to have.. who I'm going to marry (and for now, who I'm even going to date). When some of these things crossed my mind over the past year or two, I felt stressed thinking about the uncertainty of it all. Now.. I guess my perspective has shifted a little. I realized that nothing has to be set in stone & even if I did make plans this early in my life, they would find a way to fail. And like I said, not knowing isn't always that terrible. Sometimes I need to verbally hear it from others to be reassured, but we are still young. And I think it's perfectly fine to live by "we'll cross that bridge when we get there".

Delete

This blog is too revealing sometimes.. ok, most of the time. If you check up on this site frequently enough (if anyone even checks this site at all..), you'd probably catch a lot of uncensored unnecessary info that gets written on a whim, but just ends up getting deleted hours later. I'm not trying to hide anything; there are just some things that need not be publicized. Worrrd.

Hmm... I can't shake the feeling that I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment. A really really huge disappointment. Wait for it...

Anyway.

Cut my internet and cable today. Why pay for an entire month of cable and internet that I won't be using right? I'm stealing my neighbor's internet to write this blog. Why have I even been paying for internet when I could have done this the whole time? D'oh! :/

Time to clean, pack, get an oil change, check the tires, and gtfo of here. I feel like I haven't been home in so long. Granted, it's only been 2 months.. it's felt like so much longer. Maybe because my entire mindset has shifted. Completely. And I have big plans to catch up on all the hours of sleep I've lost this semester. Seeee ya in McAllen.

And so it goes

I officially got my very first "B" in grad school. Sigh. Can't say I didn't deserve it. I don't know whether to blame my emotional instability, my excessive laziness, or my sheer stupidity? I'm sure they all equally contributed to the damage. But I'll get over it. Perfection is overrated! I'm actually pretty glad because the pressure to do well on my last exam is off, now that I know getting a "B" is not the end of the world. I just don't care anymore, I tell ya.

Time to focus on other things! I'm finally kind of getting my thoughts together, which is a great feat for me because I have been discombobulated (I love that word) for what seems like forever. In my head, I've created 3-4 different (somewhat sloppy and probably erroneous) plans of action, all of which will lead me somewhere other than where I'm at now. Which one will I execute? Don't know yet. It'll be a surprise. Even to myself. Stay tuned!

You win some, you lose some

Man, of course I screwed up that exam. That's what happens when you skip half the classes & don't study. What on earth was I doing last night instead of cracking open my books? Well, lets see.. Facebook... TV... cleaning (ish).... napping.... eating.... trying on clothes I haven't worn in a long time... painting my nails... online shopping... unfortunately, the list is endless.

One more exam & then I'm busting outtaa herree. I can't decide whether I should study tonight or watch movies. Decisions decisions.

Around 3AM (thanks 5-hour energy shot for keeping me up so damn late) while messing with my phone, my finger slipped & I ended up with an awkward situation that I wasn't all too sure how to fix? My heart was racing last night after I realized what I had done (lol I make it sound so dramatic -- it's really not). Earlier today I somewhat managed to undo it.. but did I? I don't know. I was gonna contact the person involved in this mess up, but I'm sure that has 'no reply' written all over it.. so I'm left to wonder. I cannot believe how often I let such petty issues rule my life. And F you Google, for dropping unnecessary problems on my lap.

Anyway. I am switching apts.. and... rent is going to be very expensive at the other one. But it's so much nicer than my current apt.. and I get to bring my cat, Bambam =) LOVE YOU BABY, JUST TOUGH IT OUT IN MCALLEN A FEW MORE WEEKS.

Speaking of pets, my parents gave Lucky away. It's a good thing they gave him to a family friend, otherwise I would be really upset. We will be reunited with him on Christmas coz tita is letting us borrow him for that week. What a handsome dog; he used to look like such a bum.. total 180. I miss him.

Refrain

Hmm. I've been doing a whole lot of holding back this month. I used to be so impulsive, always letting my emotions take the wheel. Take for example the times when I would drop everything I was doing to make that 8 hour drive home. Didn't care about school, work, anything. My brain obviously was not involved in the decision-making process because I had absolutely no concern about the consequences; I knew what I wanted & nothing else mattered. Period.

Now that I'm not so driven by emotion, logic comes in to play, and that makes things a lot more complicated. I'm pretty confused as to what I want, so life is a lot harder because I'm having to constantly do risk-benefit analyses on every single situation I'm faced with. It's been burdensome.

Some people are disappointed in me for not going through with what I said I would do... believe me, I am more disappointed in myself than any of you could ever be. I told myself once opportunity came knocking at my door, I would let it in and embrace it wholeheartedly... instead, I ended up dodging and hiding. Why? Well, I have my reasons -- some are valid, some are not; regardless, I do have my reasons & I hope I'm not misunderstood.

I continue to live my life as if I were still in a relationship. It's both a good and bad thing. I prefer not to take part in the full-blown crazy single life because I'm pretty conservative & I can't just completely change who I've been for so long. This is the lifestyle I know; this is the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to over the past couple years. I'm not living an illusion, I know my current situation and I'm okay with it. But I'm just not ready to put my heart out there, and I most definitely don't need (and have never needed) useless rebounds to regain my strength. Of course, my life could be better.. but I am at peace with the status quo.

Celibacy here I come. Haha, nott coool.

Good riddance, LA Fitness

Cancelled my membership & Dec 11th is my last day to use all of their blissful amenities. Not! Stupid gym caused nothing but weight gain -- not from muscle mass either because my body fat percentage did not go down a single damn digit.

Anne, if you're reading this -- thanks for being my workout buddy :) It really helped to have someone to talk to on the treadmill/elliptical/bike (even though talking while exercising is abusive to our voices..!? lol). I will miss watching your personal trainer sessions. lol. You need to blog, ma'am!

Anyway, I went today to get some cardio in. On my way out, one of the employees asked me why I wasn't gonna do weight training today & he pretty much told me that the employees get a hoot out of watching me adjust the machines coz I'm so short. Really. I don't know whether to feel cool or embarrassed for being noticed for that?

On a side note, I like how it snowed for 10 minutes then the sun came out & shattered my hopes and dreams..!? Oh well.

On another side note, I'm back in a job at the daycare. I know I said I didn't want to have a job but.. I had to find other ways to keep busy besides shopping.