And we'll both be safe til St. Patricks Day.

No way November will see our goodbye. When it comes to December, it's obvious why no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. Come January we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times. February won't you be my valentine? And we'll both be safe til St. Patrick's Day.

If I were to say I was not expecting this, it would be a boldfaced lie.

Don't sympathize with me, people! I don't need a pity party because I really am fine. It's not like those many other times when I say I'm fine but feel like I'm dying inside (ok just a smidge dramatic, but you know what I mean) -- this time is different & read my lips: I'm okay. Maybe even better than okay. Yes, it sucks to invest almost 5 years into something that just gets tossed in the can. But in my eyes, it was more like a gradual wearing out process, so it wasn't all that overwhelming. In fact, I like to think I'm handling it better than I've ever handled any breakup in the past. I somehow skipped the first 4 stages of grief and went straight to acceptance, how wonderful is that? However, let it be known that I will never ever regret following my heart all these years. And yes, I was content with telling myself "If I'm happy now, what else matters?"... but that shit aint gonna cut it anymore. It is time to think towards the future like an adult. Logic took the reigns in this case, and since me being logical is a rarity, I'm gonna milk it for all its worth.

I've reached a crucial point in my life. Not all is lost though -- I am successful, I am smart, and most of all, I am strong. I didn't know nor believe this before, but I do now.

Baby steps

I am going to get my life together. I'm going to do it. Watch me.

TSHA Job Placement interviews were such a fail. I definitely, DEFINITELY, have to beef up my job interviewing skills; maybe cut out some of the "uhh"s and looking around the room and biting my lip when I don't know how to answer a question... I really need to work on this shit. Don't want employers to see how incompetent I truly am!

So the chances that I landed a job today are slim to none. Oh well. At least I know somewhat what to expect from interviews in the future. It was good practice, I suppose.

The next couple weeks will be entirely devoted to finding a job. Not just any job, but a job that I will love. Then again, I love my major and most everything it encompasses, so that will be easy. Again, fingers crossed.

Will edit this later --- there's so much more I wanna say but gah I am exhausted.

Tiiiime on my hands

How to allot this excess time I have now that I don't have to study intensely for exams... hmmm...I just don't know.

I'm starting to feel really silly right about now. Everytime someone would ask me if I was moving back home after graduation, I vehemently rejected the idea -- vehemently. And now.. I'm actually considering it. What is this sudden shift in my perception? Well, I can only imagine how much cheaper living in the valley would be. Significantly higher pay. Significantly lower standard of living. Plus I could land a job so effin quick. In Dallas, I probably have to put forth a lot more effort. Although I've gotta consider the trade-off here.

The struggle of "finding myself and where I fit in" is, much to my surprise, not anywhere remotely close to being over. I don't feel like I belong in Dallas. I don't feel like I belong in McAllen. I'm scared to venture outside the realm of my comfort zone to live anywhere else besides the two. I feel so lost and it's, in lack of a better word, pathetic. I am constantly having to remind myself time and time again that I'm still young and it's okay to be this hopelessly confused, but with my Type A personality, it's a lost cause. Oh well. I'll give myself til age 25 to get shit figured out. Hopefully by then I will have the stability and peace of mind that I am so desperately craving right now.

Anyway. My job at the daycare feels like it's getting worse and worse, and I'm too chickenshit to just quit. Sometimes typically developing kids can be a pain in the ass.

HELLO WORLD :)

Seriously, I am viewing everything in a completely different light. I am done with comprehensive exams (granted that I passed...), and I feel absolutely wonderful. For the next 3 weeks, I will be waiting in suspense & praying that all went well.

A new beginning is in order.

So I've decided -- for now -- to stay in Dallas for my clinical fellowship year (CFY -- 9 months). It's still a subconscious battle between McAllen and Dallas, and I probably won't know for sure until I step off that stage in May (actually, I can't guarantee that I'll even know then), but I've pretty much tossed the ideas of living anywhere else. Houston and SA are maybes, but leaning more towards no's. Starting over is hard. It's going to be a rough transition from being a student to being an adult; I don't know if I wanna take on an additional burden of being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces. Comfort zones, please!

I shouldn't go too in-depth with life post-graduation just yet, because I don't even feel confident enough to say that I passed Comps.

Surprise!

I'm back. Just on a study break.

I am so absurdly worried that I will not pass these upcoming exams. If I fail.. my graduation gets delayed. I can't stop thinking about how embarrassing that would be. That said, back to studying. Will do a real update next week! :)