Melting Pot

I've relied far too much on retail therapy this whole month to keep me sane. Now I'm dirt poor.

Not excited about Christmas shopping this year. Expect the most random gifts from me, if you're lucky enough to get a gift at all ;) Shopping for Christmas gifts always fills me with anxiety, when it really shouldn't. Gift-giving is not the reason for the season.

I'm feeling a such a variety of emotions right now. Let's pinpoint each one, shall we?

Stressed - Finals are looming over my horizon. Thank goodness I only have to take 3 exams, and thank God they are so well spread apart. So I can cram for them separately. Ehhh. I feel like there's so much pressure for me to maintain my perfect GPA, but I'm bringing this pressure upon myself. Future employers won't care what my GPA is. My parents don't care what it is, as long as I get that Masters degree. So it's really standards I've set for myself. I always take pride in how much drive I have, considering I'm the only one motivating myself. Pretty much no one else cares. lol

Nervous - I'm hesitant about going through with this, but something way deep down inside is telling me this is the right thing to do. At the very least, it's a stepping stone to the right thing to do. I can't go in depth with this one, because I respect people's privacy, so I'll keep the situation to myself. I just hope awkward moments are kept to a minimum. In my ideal world, awkward moments would be nonexistant. Let's aim for that.

Fat - Is "fat" an emotion? I'm going to treat it as one. Anyway, I've gained 5 lbs this month -- 5 lbs that are seemingly impossible to lose. I love food too much to do any hardcore dieting. And exercising has proven to be counterproductive for me. And even when I do diet and exercise, I've yet to overcome the plateau that I hit 3 months ago. I do appreciate the people that acknowledged the 10-12 lbs I shed over the past 6 months.. it's been a long journey.

Happy - Life in general is going very good for me (again, jinx). More and more everyday I come to realize that I am very blessed. I really do have such a great network of love and support from my friends & family. I'm a healthy girl (according to my gyno haha) and I'm pursuing a career that I adore. I'm independent & it's good to know I can live alone & manage to take care of myself. I'm lucky. Sometimes I really do have to write it out to remind myself.

/edit/ I came to school with a dirty hoodie and wrinkled sweatpants. Truly the epitome of a bum. Oh how nice to have this blog replace Facebook in preventing me from paying attention during lecture. My mind really hasn't been on school for a very long time. This semester flew by, and I am extremely fatigued considering I feel like I hardly did and/or learned anything..? Oh well. I say the majority of things I have learned in life were learned through experience anyway, not in a classroom. I really do like my professors though, and I feel a tinge of guilt for not fully paying attention, but my distractability is beyond my control. Anyhow, it's such a beautiful day outside. I'm gonna go running later.. for the sole purpose of clearing my head, or at least making a solid attempt to.

4 years, 6 months later

I deleted my Myspace account today. Or tried to, anyway. Myspace won't send me the cancellation email, so I had to go the manual way & contact Myspace support. Should be deleted by tomorrow, fingers crossed. Silly as it is, Myspace has most definitely contributed to my many temporary moments of emotional instability. I don't think anyone realizes how much is linked to that account. Memories are constantly making things very difficult for me. I refuse to continue feeling like this.

I retract what I said about John Mayer's album; it is not a blessing, but a curse. Well no, I can't decipher whether the feeling it brings upon me is sadness or tranquility. Still have his album on repeat anyway. Had I listened to this kind of stuff all month long, I don't think it would have helped; I think it would have sent my emotions spiraling out of control, as it is currently doing right now.



"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me. After all of my trying, we still end up dying, how can it be?" -- Seriously, is it possible to listen to the songs on this album without feeling the utmost empathy? Not to mention, it's so much more intense if you're actually experiencing the lyrics first hand.

Anyway! I love you John Mayer, if you're reading this. lol

This apartment is so lonely. I miss being surrounded by family. But I'm glad I can relax tonight in solitude. Time to study!

Thanksgiving 2009

I am so thankful for my family, immediate and extended. I absolutely love spending time with them. I realized this a long time ago though.

I'm glad I was able to muster up the strength to completely abandon my diet & stuff my face :) Although, I haven't been dieting all that intensely lately, so it wasn't much of a difference. We played chubby bunny with my cousins, which was really the icing on the cake for me, lol. JR was pretty good at it... still no competition though ;)

I am also thankful for John Mayer's new album! I listened to it the whole drive down to Houston & I could probably listen to it for an entire month straight without getting sick of it. My brothers and I are planning on going to his concert in Dallas in March. Sadly, it won't be a Moralejo outing coz they're taking their girlfriends... or rather I should say-- sadly, they're taking their girlfriends and I'll be 5th wheelin it. Haha, oh well. Anything for John Mayer =) He sings my life.

All of a sudden I feel antsy, wanting to go home for winter break already. Actually, no, I'm pretty ambivalent about going home.. because I feel like I'm going to be struggling greatly to find things to keep myself busy. Although, I will be studying for the Praxis (exit/licensing exam for speech pathology, gotta take it next semester). But for the free time I do have (there will probably be a lot of it...), I will use it playing DJ Hero & Little Big Planet on my cousin's PS3, lol. While I'm at it, I should rent COD-MW2 to see what all this hype is about. Or not, because I suck at those kind of games. Actually, I suck at most games. I wish I were a gamer =( I bet if I were, I wouldn't be single right now. lol. It's too late in my life to pursue that hobby though, I should have been more open-minded to it when I had the chance. Oh well. Hopefully I can be as good at DJ Hero as I once was at Guitar Hero. Oh how I miss that game with all my heart.. =(

For some reason, I can't turn off my internal alarm clock which always wakes me up at 6am, no matter what time I go to sleep. Now I have to begin writing my paper due Monday =( ... after I go pick at Thanksgiving leftovers =)

This is me, now.

I found myself rummaging through Livejournal and Xanga, reading my old blogs over again. Looking back has helped me internalize the fact that my adolescence was a mess -- a big boring mess. I was pretty awkward until my senior year of highschool, at which I was still semi-awkward. lol. Terrible. Often times I hyped up little events that happened, to make my readers think that my life was 10x more exciting than it actually was. I was stupid.. but I was a teenager. And I think those two words are generally synonymous.

Honestly, if I could redo it all, I would. I've always aspired to be someone that lives life without regrets, but I think those kind of lucky people are certainly few and far between. It's interesting to see how much you've changed (whether it be for the better or worse) over the years. For that reason, I really do feel like people should blog or keep a journal or any form of memorabilia, so that they can reflect back on the road that led them to where they are now. Although, I'm almost embarrassed by who I used to be and I can't necessarily say it directly lead me to the person I am today. Maybe it did in some vague obscure way.

Noticeable improvements I've made over the past 5-7 years:
- I don't talk about trivial matters as frequently.
- I actually make good grades. I was prettty dumb those 1st 2 yrs of college.
- My standards have been raised when it comes to friendships/relationships.
- I don't talk ghetto slang anymore.
- My vocabulary has expanded beyond that of a 5th grader.
- I'm more sensitive to others' perspectives.
- I write to express, not impress.
- I'm not as fat as before (lol why didn't anyone ever tell me I was a damn cow).

It goes without say that I'm most definitely not the same person who posted those entries in 2003, 2004, or 2005.. I can't even say I'm the same person I was in 2008. I'm constantly maturing, and I think it's important to tune into the fact that no one stays the same. Some people do unfortunately go the adverse direction & take step backwards instead of making progress for themselves. I'm not one of those people. Learn from your mistakes. Not only that, but learn from others' as well. Can I get an Amen.

Exhaust

Stupid rain woke me up even earlier than usual. I was debating staying up versus getting that extra hour of sleep. The only reason why I wouldn't choose the latter is because I'd be terrified of not waking up in time. I'm so lame. Man It's going to be a constant battle with the sleepies today.

Fridays are my most hectic day, being at my internship from 7am-3pm. I don't know how I lasted 8 hours in a classroom back in grade/middle/high school. It's so draining.

It's going to rain all weekend. That's.. perfect :) because I planned on staying in to study/catchup on work all weekend :) Oh my timing is impeccable. I've been exponentially more social this month than any other, and I'm so glad I've gotten to see so much more of my girlfriends.. but I'm tired of going out coz it's getting exhausting and expensive. I don't have the energy nor money to throw around anymore. Come to think of it, I never really had the money to begin with & I'm always struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I had a job.. but then other times, I'm so incredibly thankful that I don't. I need as much "me time" as I can get. Besides, when I graduate in 6 months (!!!), I'll be earning significantly more money than any job I could possibly land right now. I guess I'm just gonna bury myself further in debt. Oh well..

It's not having what you want..

..it's wanting what you've got.

"In Repair"? I think it's self-explanatory.

I'll admit, I haven't fully healed, or even come remotely close. I've tried to keep my chin up, but it's just a little lower now looking at everything retrospectively. & I still tremble when I reminisce with old pictures/emails/etc (bad move on my part, should have just deleted & been done with it.. but I'm a masochist). I'm constantly fluctuating between being okay & being mildly depressed..? Over a span of 4 1/2 years, too much has become entrenched in my memory & it has been extremely mentally taxing to ignore. Sure, my friends have helped me overcome the random episodes of sadness/self-pity, but I'm still in a very vulnerable state (typical). I don't like to be overt about it though; not a fan of talking people's ears off nor sharing too much, especially when none of what I have to say is really on a need-to-know basis. Hence the reason for this blog. I think writing everything out will be therapeutic, especially since I obviously keep so much bottled in.

Being thrown into the dating world almost feels like being thrown into the deep end of a pool, not knowing how to swim. Someone throw me a floatie for Godsakes! All the other times we've broken up, it has never felt like this. Actually, I take that back -- it always feels like this. Every breakup always leaves me upset & completely unable to focus. What disheartens me so much this time around is that I've never even entertained the idea of being with someone else; and now it seems like I have no other option but to do just that. Not anytime soon, I suppose. It really doesn't help that winter is right around the corner, that seasonal affective disorder is going to creep up on me. I'll have no one to cuddle with when it's finally the cuddle weather that I anticipated all year long. Oh *sigh*, I depress myself..

So lets talk about something else!

Every other aspect of my life is going fairly well (Jinx! It'll be all downhill from here). It's the last week of my public school internship, and I'm really going to miss seeing those kids everyday. I love my major that much more after this semester. I enjoy what I do & I come home feeling gratified almost everyday. Toooo bad I'm still working for free. Can't wait to get that Master's degree in my hands; I'm gonna take it and run. Run where? I don't know yet..

Oh gosh, I've wasted so much time watching television, taking ridiculously long naps, shopping til my feet get blisters, & engaging in random acts of boredom online. Now blogging will be added onto that exhausting list. I've diagnosed myself with a severe case of senioritis (granted, I'm not a senior, but it is my last year of school). Oddly enough, I'm still getting by quite nicely. I truly amaze myself sometimes.