It's not having what you want..

..it's wanting what you've got.

"In Repair"? I think it's self-explanatory.

I'll admit, I haven't fully healed, or even come remotely close. I've tried to keep my chin up, but it's just a little lower now looking at everything retrospectively. & I still tremble when I reminisce with old pictures/emails/etc (bad move on my part, should have just deleted & been done with it.. but I'm a masochist). I'm constantly fluctuating between being okay & being mildly depressed..? Over a span of 4 1/2 years, too much has become entrenched in my memory & it has been extremely mentally taxing to ignore. Sure, my friends have helped me overcome the random episodes of sadness/self-pity, but I'm still in a very vulnerable state (typical). I don't like to be overt about it though; not a fan of talking people's ears off nor sharing too much, especially when none of what I have to say is really on a need-to-know basis. Hence the reason for this blog. I think writing everything out will be therapeutic, especially since I obviously keep so much bottled in.

Being thrown into the dating world almost feels like being thrown into the deep end of a pool, not knowing how to swim. Someone throw me a floatie for Godsakes! All the other times we've broken up, it has never felt like this. Actually, I take that back -- it always feels like this. Every breakup always leaves me upset & completely unable to focus. What disheartens me so much this time around is that I've never even entertained the idea of being with someone else; and now it seems like I have no other option but to do just that. Not anytime soon, I suppose. It really doesn't help that winter is right around the corner, that seasonal affective disorder is going to creep up on me. I'll have no one to cuddle with when it's finally the cuddle weather that I anticipated all year long. Oh *sigh*, I depress myself..

So lets talk about something else!

Every other aspect of my life is going fairly well (Jinx! It'll be all downhill from here). It's the last week of my public school internship, and I'm really going to miss seeing those kids everyday. I love my major that much more after this semester. I enjoy what I do & I come home feeling gratified almost everyday. Toooo bad I'm still working for free. Can't wait to get that Master's degree in my hands; I'm gonna take it and run. Run where? I don't know yet..

Oh gosh, I've wasted so much time watching television, taking ridiculously long naps, shopping til my feet get blisters, & engaging in random acts of boredom online. Now blogging will be added onto that exhausting list. I've diagnosed myself with a severe case of senioritis (granted, I'm not a senior, but it is my last year of school). Oddly enough, I'm still getting by quite nicely. I truly amaze myself sometimes.