If I had one wish..

I wish I could revert to an earlier time and change things.

OR

I wish I could fast forward into the future to see if my life actually comes together the way I am praying for it to. And believe me, I am praying hard.

All I know is, I don't want to be where I am right now. Can't decide whether I should openly embrace adulthood or hold onto my youth for dear life. I definitely have some huge decisions to make in the near future..

Again, TBC (I always say that and never actually follow through, but, if any, this one has the best chance of being continued).

Stretched thin

There is simply not enough time to study, clean, write reports, make lesson plans, work, cook, shop, nap, exercise, maintain a relationship, and have a social life. This semester is the epitome of HELLISH.

Everyday is another struggle

Two problems (out of my list of ~10) have been gracefully alleviated. I need to learn how to breathe; when things get me stressing, I find myself on the verge of a panic attack, no matter how small and insignificant the issue may actually be.

On a side note, its time for me to realize that there are people out there that do love and care for me the way I want (need?) to be loved and cared for.

Tonight was a good night. So goodnight.

All settled in

Being cable/internetless this past week has been such torture. I resent the fact that I rely so heavily on these two things to keep myself content. Anyhow, I'm all moved in, bambam (my cat) and all. Not too thrilled about being on the third floor, but I could use the extra exercise.

I really like my new apartment in Amli better than the one I had in The Village. It is slightly larger, significantly newer, and has more storage space. When I lived near downtown, it was pretty rare that I would go out because everything and everyone seemed so far; I was always too lazy make the drive, and I was too far for anyone to pick me up. So I'd make up excuses to not hang out (i.e. I'm studying/tired). Not that I'm gonna be out constantly now that I'm closer to (most) everyone, but it's nice that I can enjoy simple perks such as being able to have lunch/dinner with friends. Although that's probably not in my best interest since I don't have the money nor metabolism to make eating out a habit.

Studying for the Praxis has not been fun at all. A cumulative exam of information I've learned over the past 3-4 years? It's like a gift from hell. When I was in undergrad, the night before an exam I would absorb information like a sponge, let it all out during the test, and I was convinced that I was done with that info forever - everything I had learned for that exam was pretty much kicked out of my memory bank. Little did I know, I would be reintroduced to that information (which I'm starting to think I never really learned) years later. This is terrible. My brain can only digest so much before it explodes. Studying this stuff over again has rekindled my sheer hatred for anatomy and neuroscience. Worst.. subjects.. ever.

All last semester, I had been basking in the glow of the thought that this semester would be eazy peezy, but low and behold - it is the most stressful semester I've ever had.

TBC!

After x months of unproductivity..

I'm finally back to work. It feels good to earn some paper again, even though the amount I earn is negligible compared to the humongous debt I owe. I am merely beginning to earn back all the money I spent partaking in retail therapy these past couple months.

Working at the daycare feels different from when I worked there as an undergrad, because I'm working with preschoolers instead of the grade school kids. I bet preschool teachers have both a high level of stress and gratification though. Preschoolers in general are so great. You can yell and scream at them like there's no tomorrow, punish them, maybe [accidentally] make them cry, but then bribe them with a sticker and bam - you're back on their good side. They also make you the cutest drawings ever, give you huge bear hugs for absolutely no reason at all, and say the goofiest most hilarious things ever. Plus they will tell you "I love you" very liberally, and you know what? You'll believe them because they're so damn cute.

When it comes to working with special populations, such as those with learning disabilities or autism, it is a whole different ball game. I'm pretty nervous about beginning my practicum next week at a preschool of children on the autism spectrum. I had a similar practicum Spring 2009, and it definitely wasn't my favorite.. in fact, it was my least favorite. I really enjoyed interning in the public school this past semester though, because I felt like I was making a difference in the lives of the kids I worked with, in some way. A few months ago, my supervisor and I had a discussion about working with kids with autism, and we both came to the conclusion that neither of us felt fulfilled in that area because we felt that the progress we make with them is so minimal. Anyway, gonna stop rambling.

Long day at work today. And yesterday. And the next two days will be just as long. Next week I'm only gonna be working 3 hours a day, but I'm gonna have to juggle it with clinical practicum and school (lol not really, my one class).

Moving out of this shit hole on Friday! :)

2010

Hmm I don't know what to think of 2009. I just know that it started off absolutely terrible, and I am so thankful 2010 did not follow in it's footsteps. 2009 almost flew by too fast for me to even reflect back on it. I can't decide whether it was a good or bad year; and if I were to stack up all the things that made me smile vs. all the things that made me cry.. it would probably be a standoff... because I would've probably kept an unfair tally and weighed the bad things more heavily.

Anyway. Moving on to the next decade.

New years resolutions are such a great concept.. for those who follow through with them. In my case, it has been the trend that making resolutions is practically setting myself up for failure. We need to change that.

Some of the many resolutions I made at the start of 2009:
- Lose weight
- Get straight A's
- Be neater and more organized
- Control my mood swings
- Quit being loud/obnoxious
- Budget my money more wisely
- Be a better girlfriend
- Be a better person, in general

Ok, so I put way too much on my plate. I'm gonna have to say they are all a work-in-progress. Maybe one of my resolutions should be to stick to my resolutions. Seriously, this year I will really put forth an honest effort to accomplish all the goals I had set for myself... except the one about aiming for straight A's because I only have one class, and it is pass/fail (no more worrying about grades ever!). Everything else could definitely use some improvement.

This year, the resolution at the top of my priority list is this: To be more decisive and proactive. And I don't mean that in the "what am I gonna do today" sense, but more of in the "what am I gonna do with my life" aspect. I have a good feeling that many things will all fall into place this year. The most important decision I have to make is where I'm going to live post-graduation (a topic which will be addressed in a future entry); because naturally, that will influence the outcome of my career, relationship, and friendships.. like a domino effect. Gotta cut out all this doubt and hesitation in my life.

Another resolution I tacked onto the exhausting list is to think positively. It gets pretty tiring always having the preconceived notion that all my plans are going to fall through and that everything I do is subpar. Time to start looking up.

Happy new year everyone.