Refrain

Hmm. I've been doing a whole lot of holding back this month. I used to be so impulsive, always letting my emotions take the wheel. Take for example the times when I would drop everything I was doing to make that 8 hour drive home. Didn't care about school, work, anything. My brain obviously was not involved in the decision-making process because I had absolutely no concern about the consequences; I knew what I wanted & nothing else mattered. Period.

Now that I'm not so driven by emotion, logic comes in to play, and that makes things a lot more complicated. I'm pretty confused as to what I want, so life is a lot harder because I'm having to constantly do risk-benefit analyses on every single situation I'm faced with. It's been burdensome.

Some people are disappointed in me for not going through with what I said I would do... believe me, I am more disappointed in myself than any of you could ever be. I told myself once opportunity came knocking at my door, I would let it in and embrace it wholeheartedly... instead, I ended up dodging and hiding. Why? Well, I have my reasons -- some are valid, some are not; regardless, I do have my reasons & I hope I'm not misunderstood.

I continue to live my life as if I were still in a relationship. It's both a good and bad thing. I prefer not to take part in the full-blown crazy single life because I'm pretty conservative & I can't just completely change who I've been for so long. This is the lifestyle I know; this is the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to over the past couple years. I'm not living an illusion, I know my current situation and I'm okay with it. But I'm just not ready to put my heart out there, and I most definitely don't need (and have never needed) useless rebounds to regain my strength. Of course, my life could be better.. but I am at peace with the status quo.

Celibacy here I come. Haha, nott coool.