Turbulent twenties

I have been stuck in this quarterlife crisis for a good while now, and it is by far the WORST phase ever. Even worse than adolescence, and that's very telling because my adolescence was quite shitty. The doubts about the present, the uncertainty about the future, the nostalgia of the past... it kills me a little bit everyday. I'm the most successful I've ever been, but at the same time, I'm the most insecure I've ever been. It's hard being pushed and pulled between feeling content and feeling insufficient. It actually peeves me when people tell me I don't have anything left to worry about. Life is not all about school and getting a career. Once you have a career and are done with school, the only thing left to think about are marriage, kids, and possible relocation; I am consumed with fear and anxiety thinking about the future. Everyday. Literally. There are times when I am convinced McAllen is a black hole sucking the life out of me. Things are different. I sacrificed some aspects of my life in attempt to gain something in other aspects, but there are definitely times when I just feel like I am losing all around. Ever since I moved here, my flaws have become so much more pronounced, and they are interfering with everything. I feel suffocated by the fact that I am trying so hard to suppress these negative feelings, yet they keep coming back like vultures. I've debated going back to school in a possibly fruitless but ambitious attempt to keep busy, develop hobbies, gain more knowledge... but on second thought, going back to school is useless. What the hell would I go back for? I don't want to change my career; get a PhD; get a second masters. There are definitely days when I just want to pick up and leave. But then I think.. I can't just leave my job. I don't have enough money. I'm just not ready. So yeah, pipe dreams.

Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Really?

I hate when people whom I don't even know have negative preconceptions of me. I wish that if people were going to talk about me, it would be because they know me and not because they think they do.

I guess it was inevitable, but I am still annoyed and I can't help but wonder if anything got lost in translation. At the same time.. why should I even care? Not everyone has to like me (but I'm not gonna lie, most people do.. lol jk).

^Idk, it seemed fitting. lol

Here goes nothin

It's been entirely too long. Updates are in order.

Officially out of school for 8 months. It went by so quickly. At some point, my life shifted from being a stupid drunkard little girl to a responsible career woman. It's a hazy line where that transition took place.

I still feel like I should be more independent and knowledgeable than I am at work. I still feel like I hardly know anything. And I still piggyback on my boss when it comes to initial evaluations. But I will get there. Can't expect to be as proficient as my boss, she has 13 years experience, and I merely have 8 months. It's not even comparable.

Despite my incompetence, I am absolutely positively 100% in love with my job. I'm lucky. No, I'm blessed.

My social life is.. wait, what social life? I don't have one. Ehh. I spend most, if not all, of my free time with my boyfriend. And I really don't mind. I love my friends, but I am in love with my boyfriend. In my eyes, it is a fair trade-off. I don't regret it one bit.

Tired, maybe I'll update later. Look at me, sleeping before midnight. I am old =(

Back

When there's no one to talk to, it's comforting to know I can default to this.

I've spent the past almost two weeks licking my emotional wounds, and I often find myself in a position I don't want to be, feeling things I simply don't want to be feeling. It turned into an ethical struggle of what to do about my life. I want to be here, but I don't. I want to move, but I don't. In the past three months, I have fallen in love with my job to the fullest extent possible, and that is hardly an exaggeration. My patients bring joy to my life. No matter what kind of bullshit is going on outside of work, when I'm with those kids, they lift my spirits like you will never know.

Somehow I tend to overdramatize my life; as if all is lost just because of recent events. If I said I didn't have it good overall, it would be a blatant lie. But I don't need a pity party, and I don't particularly enjoy the primary conversation starter being "Are you okay?". Yes I'm okay. So what if I'm not smiling? Don't ask, I don't wanna talk about it. Of course being out of my comfort zone is difficult, but I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. I can't continue wasting my time blaming myself for what happened..

Cover letter!?

I can't believe how much more stressful job hunting became when I realized I sent my resume out to multiple employers without a cover letter. And now that I'm really doing my research and honing in on the topic, all I see written on every site is Never send a resume without a cover letter. So fail.

Some of the responses from my amateur emails actually reveal a glimmer of hope though. I can't help but think... man.. there's no way that I will have applied to all these places and absolutely no one wants me lol. Trying really hard to keep that chin up. Some things are actually starting to look promising. I try to comfort myself by flashing the constant reminder that I haven't even graduated yet and I haven't applied to that many places so it's okay to not have anything set in stone yet. It's okay. IT'S OKAY.

Damnit but stupid cover letter. Shit done ruined my day.

Finding peace of mind is so hard these days..

Deeenie

Yesterday one of my autistic kids finally learned my name, but he calls me "Deenie" instead of Darlene. It's so cute, I could explode. He has apraxia of speech (a disorder of muscle incoordination) so everything he says sounds a little off and jargon-like. It actually makes him 10x cuter. I especially love when he says "no inky" (for "no thank you"). God I'm gonna miss that kid. I'm going to miss all those kiddos. Again I got so attached to my clients & it is a sucky (in lack of a better word) realization that I have to leave them, but I wish the best for all of them nonetheless.

I can still remember my first client in undergrad. I wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he is a pro at saying his "r" sound now; I bet he is. From time to time I think about the client I had at PanAm. I wonder what he's upto now, 2 years later. Is he verbal now? Is he communicating with others more appropriately? And my elderly client with anomic aphasia, who had a genius IQ pre-stroke & was always so grumpy coming to therapy.. how's he doing? I can still recall how he gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the forehead at our last session together & it almost brought me to tears. I just wish I could somehow get an update on those that I've worked with in the past.

I'm going to come across many people in my life, and it's just so painstakingly hard to not care for them & grow attached. Hopefully one day I will learn how to inhibit all these emotions that I feel when I have to leave them or when they have to leave me. It's gonna be a toughie.

Anyway. Still searching for that perfect job..

Cynical

Clearly, the easiest way to make yourself feel like shit is to compare yourself to others who are seemingly better off. I just need to stop. I need to think about myself, and worry about what I'm doing, because being in a contest with everyone is no fun. Of course I'll lose! Of course.

If I really put my heart into the job-hunt, would I have a job right now? Maybe. Half-assing all my applications, leaving some incomplete, forgetting to fax my resume plus other important documents, etc etc. And you know what? It DOESN'T help that I have no earthly idea where the hellllll I'm going to live -- because then I am left applying for clinics & school districts ALL over the humongous state of Texas. Life would be so much easier if I were decisive. Just stating the obvious!

It goes without say that I lied when I said "game face on"; my game face has been tucked away in a drawer for awhile. I don't even know which drawer it's in.

And while I'm retracting statements, I should probably toss this one in..

"Not all is lost though -- I am successful, I am smart, and most of all, I am strong." In all honesty, I am compelled to re-edit what I said & make it look like this ==> "I am successful, I am smart (sometimes -- mostly when it comes to academics, not so much for real-life situations), and most of all, I am strong and that's about it." lol

I wonder why I feel like a total masochist right now? Oh wait, because I am one. Go figure.

And so it continues

Today's interview went so well that I felt like dancing when I left the administration building. It could've been because the interviewer was such a sweetheart, so I'm sure everyone who interviewed with her left with a good feeling. If I plan to work in a school district, positions won't start opening up til the school year is over. So chances are I won't know where to go or what to do for the next couple weeks. Up in the air, as usual. Just something I'm going to have to deal with. I guess it wouldn't hurt to apply everywhere just for the hell of it. If I end up jobless, I will tattoo the word "failure" in big bold letters on my huge forehead.

At the very least, I've crossed both Houston and McAllen off my list.. which is ironic because SLPs earn the most in those cities. Why not Houston? Because my job offer is in a "bad area" & that doesn't sit well with my paranoia. Why not McAllen? Because. Just because.

Anyway. Saw this and I thought it was brilliant:
“Some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up in the morning and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore” - Lady Gaga

It all makes sense now

How could I have been so blind? It was so obvious..

MY bad.

Never settle with being content

When someone said that to me, I really took it to heart.

Last night, some friends pep-talked me into moving (almost felt like they were anxious to get rid of me :P). They told me something that I pretty much tell myself everyday: "If there were ever a time to start over, it would be now. Do it". So we went back and forth, discussing the pros and cons of various places, and I was still stuck on staying in Dallas because I'm eh okay here & a little lazy to move. So to solve this dilemma like mature adults, we flipped a coin. Heads I move, tails I stay. And yup, you guessed it -- heads 2 outta 3. But really? Is the flip of a coin going to decide my future? No. Neither coins nor my friends are going to dictate the decisions in my life because ultimately it really is up to me. And from now til graduation, I will probably update on nothing else but my current state of confusion.

In my ideal world, everything would just work itself out and I will not have to lift a finger. Alas, I don't live in an ideal world, so I guess it's time to be proactive. Game face on!

On my way

"Congratulations! It is a pleasure to inform you of the faculty's decision that you have satisfactorily completed the Master's Comprehensive Examination in Speech-Pathology."

By far, the best letter I've ever opened in my life.

And we'll both be safe til St. Patricks Day.

No way November will see our goodbye. When it comes to December, it's obvious why no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. Come January we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times. February won't you be my valentine? And we'll both be safe til St. Patrick's Day.

If I were to say I was not expecting this, it would be a boldfaced lie.

Don't sympathize with me, people! I don't need a pity party because I really am fine. It's not like those many other times when I say I'm fine but feel like I'm dying inside (ok just a smidge dramatic, but you know what I mean) -- this time is different & read my lips: I'm okay. Maybe even better than okay. Yes, it sucks to invest almost 5 years into something that just gets tossed in the can. But in my eyes, it was more like a gradual wearing out process, so it wasn't all that overwhelming. In fact, I like to think I'm handling it better than I've ever handled any breakup in the past. I somehow skipped the first 4 stages of grief and went straight to acceptance, how wonderful is that? However, let it be known that I will never ever regret following my heart all these years. And yes, I was content with telling myself "If I'm happy now, what else matters?"... but that shit aint gonna cut it anymore. It is time to think towards the future like an adult. Logic took the reigns in this case, and since me being logical is a rarity, I'm gonna milk it for all its worth.

I've reached a crucial point in my life. Not all is lost though -- I am successful, I am smart, and most of all, I am strong. I didn't know nor believe this before, but I do now.

Baby steps

I am going to get my life together. I'm going to do it. Watch me.

TSHA Job Placement interviews were such a fail. I definitely, DEFINITELY, have to beef up my job interviewing skills; maybe cut out some of the "uhh"s and looking around the room and biting my lip when I don't know how to answer a question... I really need to work on this shit. Don't want employers to see how incompetent I truly am!

So the chances that I landed a job today are slim to none. Oh well. At least I know somewhat what to expect from interviews in the future. It was good practice, I suppose.

The next couple weeks will be entirely devoted to finding a job. Not just any job, but a job that I will love. Then again, I love my major and most everything it encompasses, so that will be easy. Again, fingers crossed.

Will edit this later --- there's so much more I wanna say but gah I am exhausted.